The Two Idiots
by remesy
Summary: In a drunken tangent, Sanji reveals to Nami that he has fallen for Zoro but his feelings cannot be mutual between them, so he decides to leave the crew. To fix the situation, Nami decides to step in for the two idiots. One-shot: angst, humor, and romance.


The members of the straw hat crew, all nine of them, were sitting at a rustic and shabby looking bar, which was full of old sailors, fishers, and some pirates like themselves who weren't looking for any trouble. With Brooke on the piano, singing "Bink's Sake" for the tenth time in a row, everybody was either dancing on the table or drinking themselves to death, like the green haired swordsman who was having a drinking contest with ten other men. The rest of the members of the straw hat crew were singing and dancing, except for the two women and the blond cook sitting at the bar, having a quiet conversation amidst the loud scenery.

The blond had his head flat against the surface of the wooden bar with rosy cheeks and a glass of crimson wine in his hands. It spoke of his character to be drinking wine in an unruly bar, though it wasn't done purposefully to impress any ladies as he would've usually done, rather, his mind was full of someone in particular. Someone who was boisterously laughing, carelessly allowing other men to wrap him in their arms and drinking one after another as though he wasn't trying to see another day.

The thing was, the blond hadn't realized how much he was attracted to the swordsman until a couple of weeks ago, when in the heat of the battle the chef had managed to trip the bigger man into falling on top of him. For a few minutes, their eyes locked for what seemed like an eternity and Sanji found himself jacking himself to that moment for the next couple of days.

It was truly maddening when all he could think about was the swordsman's intense gaze staring directly at him, as their breaths and sweat were mingling, and his hard body was pressed up against the cook's.

Sanji groaned when the image came to his head again.

He was sexually frustrated beyond belief and to find an ounce of sanity and relief, he made sure to give himself plenty of time during his breaks in the shower and bathroom; though, the feeling came back as quickly as he released himself. He found that fighting with the swordsman helped, as it got the blood flowing elsewhere and he was able to touch him as much as he wanted without making things weird between them.

However, Zoro began to notice the increase of fights between them and started chasing the cook away, as he was "disturbing" him during his training.

"Shoo," that bastard even told him once, which brought the cook to a boiling point of anger.

The pitiful effort to increase his fights with the swordsman simmered down into simple, random visits into Zoro's daily routines, often bringing rice balls and some of his favorite snacks. Though that effort was more appreciated, the cook still felt a wall between them, as nothing could get past insults and conversations about their crew mates.

Sanji felt the connection between the two of them, as deep as the sea in itself, and he thought Zoro felt the same as well and he was avoiding the possibility on purpose. This only fueled the blond to be relentless, attempting left and right to get his attention, but as hard as he tried Zoro only focused on himself and swordsmanship. It was admirable, of course, how passionately he was chasing after his dream, but it left Sanji feeling unsatisfied and heart broken.

"Do you think that it's love if it is only one-sided?" Sanji asked Nami, after Robin had left the two of them to join the rest of the crew members.

He groaned, as the alcohol in his system was making him feel the depth of sadness this situation was causing him.

He had to talk about it with someone.

In the rowdy bar, the two of them talked in soft voices so no one else could hear, and the cook divulged his deepest secret to the orange haired woman next to him.

He told her that love has to be mutual, and if it's not mutual then it's not love but an obsession, a destructive feeling of desire, selfishness, and frenzied fixation. The best type of love and how love should be are the mutual ones, where both parties can be compassionate, selfless, ego-less, and giving.

"But Nami-san, I don't feel that toward him. I only feel needy and selfish, like a child. At his presence, I want to either break his bones or jump his bones. There is a gravitation from him, like I was meant to meet him in this lifetime, this world, this version of reality. I'm a strong believer in fate and destiny, so I thought if I felt it he would have surely felt it as well, but that's not it. That's just another selfish part of my brain distorting the truth from my eyes. He doesn't love me, he doesn't even care about me. I am nothing to him, I am simply a worthless human being who had yet to gain his trust or respect, only someone gathered by Luffy just like the rest of us."

As he was dwelling in this matter, trying to process and accept the situation at hand, Nami sat there listening patiently and silently.

She was confused, as she had been thinking that it was mutual between them all along.

Nami recalled the way Zoro clicked his tongue when the blond flirted with women, the way he trusted the blond and never interfered when they were in a fight against the enemy, the way his eyes traveled to the back of Sanji's head when he thought no one was looking, and the way he provoked fights to occur by making unnecessary comments like 'This tastes bad' or 'Dumbass cook.'

Wasn't it indeed mutual? Therefore, according to Sanji, wasn't it indeed love?

"He arouses this physical sensation in me, and I don't mean only my libido as I feel with the ladies, Nami-san, pardon my language. It just feels like something more, as though it isn't just something sexual. It's all of my body, all of my heart, and even my soul," Sanji groaned, as having to explain this caused him more pain at the thought that it just wasn't possible between the two of them.

"But… I can't pursue him forever if he will never see me for who I am, beyond an idiot cook, and rejecting my body, thoughts, mind, and dreams. I can't continue to love him. I can't even be near him."

Sanji sighed, coming to a conclusion that he knew had to come. "I think I will leave the crew for a little while, Nami-san. I know it sounds dramatic, but I don't think I can stop loving him without being apart."

Nami clicked her tongue in annoyance, rolling her eyes.

She was peeved by the fact that the two idiots could not see what was so obvious to her.

If not now then she knew that it would be too late, so she quickly worked the wheels in her head to make a plan. The crew could not afford to lose Sanji, and Luffy would become more of a pain in the ass for her, as she was the only one who could cook aside from the blond.

She typically did not like to interfere, especially with romance, but this situation was too frustrating for her to keep it at bay. She had to make the swordsman realize that he had feelings for Sanji, to draw out his emotions above his stubbornness.

It would be difficult, as the swordsman was rather stupid in terms of relationships and emotions.

So, the orange haired woman abruptly grabbed the cook by the neck and stroked his cheeks with her thumb, and as a response Sanji gasped with widened eyes.

"Nami-san?"

The bar became silent, as all of the members of the straw hat dropped their jaws and gaped at them. Nami glanced in their direction and felt everyone's anticipating eyes waiting for the scene to play out, but one pair of eyes were glaring at her, aiming daggers at her head.

She grinned as wide as Robin, who probably knew what Nami was doing.

"Look Sanji-kun, sometimes love can be filled, even for a moment—" Nami leaned closer toward the blond haired man and whispered in his ears, "and I can help." She wrapped both of her arms around his neck now and saw that the tips of his ears became bright red. His mouth was opening and closing, stammering, unable to speak.

She traced her lips along the side of his face, thinking: _I should get paid for this_.

Rather clumsily, Sanji placed his hands around her waist, daring only a little bit to overstep his boundaries as Nami kissed the corner of his lips. She felt the harsh hair follicles of his beard against her chin.

Before they could escalate to the finale, a rough hand on her shoulder jerked her away from Sanji.

It was an angry swordsman intervening. "What the hell do you think you are doing, you witch?"

Sanji, whose eyes were barely opened in anticipation for the kiss, suddenly had his eyes wide open in shock. "Eh?"

"Come with me, dumb ass cook," Zoro demanded with a pull of Sanji's wrist, taking the blond away from Nami and the group, rushing out of the restaurant.

Nami sighed, twirling her straw in her bourbon with her index finger. _If this doesn't work out then nothing can help those idiots. _


End file.
